1997 (Moving)

The first time I really remember encountering God was when I moved from Oklahoma to Kansas. The teenage years are already confusing enough — full of shifting identities, fragile confidence, and the ache of wanting to belong — but adding a move on top of that felt like having the ground pulled out from under me. Everything familiar was suddenly gone: my friends, my routines, even the landscape I’d grown up seeing outside my window. I remember feeling unsteady in a way I didn’t have words for back then. But in the middle of all that change, something unexpected happened.

I moved to Kansas in September 1997 when I was 16 years old. I was sad, frustrated, and scared of the move. I had lived in Oklahoma pretty much my whole life up until this point, and in the same house since I was 2. I felt I was also plugged in with my school. I was a cheerleader (though I quit my sophomore year), and I was also taking honors classes and working a job I enjoyed. For my junior year, I had already signed up to help my friend track wrestling scores during matches and to begin Vo Tech classes. I knew my dad was looking for another job and applying in other states, but I never thought we would actually move. Both sets of my grandparents also lived in Oklahoma, so I just couldn’t see my parents actually leaving. It was fun talking about moving when I didn’t think they actually would. When my dad got the job offer in August, it was no time at all before we moved. I barely had time to say goodbye to my friends and leave on two weeks' notice at work. When we moved, we didn’t even have a place to live yet. The focus had just been on getting my dad up to KC as fast as we could, so he could begin his new job. We had to stay at an extended-stay hotel for a while, and every evening after my dad got off work, we would drive around looking at houses. Since we were unsure which city we would be living in and where we would actually be going, we were unable to start school. It was about the middle of September when my parents finally found a place and got us enrolled, so we were about a month late into the school year. 2 years at one high school and almost 2 years at another made me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere, which only added to the sad, scared, and frustrated feeling. I left behind everything I knew. I felt like I didn’t belong where we lived; however, I now also felt like I didn’t belong when we went back home to visit. I know this was my dramatic teenage heart, but this is what I was feeling at the time.

Along with this, my parents were also going through a really bad time, as this was just a few years before their divorce. I think that is what really sparked the move, as they thought that if they started fresh somewhere else, things would get better. It did not. At this time, I just felt like nothing in the world could ever make me happy again, and I really just wanted to die. I begged and begged for God to take me almost every night for the first several months of living in Kansas, and then one night, He showed up in my dream.

I think this was sometime around early December of 1997. It was before Christmas break. In my dream, I was walking toward our duplex, the first place we lived in Kansas. I was walking with my brother and sister, who were on either side of me, and we were all talking as we headed to the back door of our duplex. Suddenly, I fell into a hole. The hole was deep enough for my legs to fall into, but not deep enough to be stuck; however, I was stuck. I didn't understand why I couldn’t move, because I didn't feel like I was hurt, and I should have been able to just climb out of the hole and continue walking, but I couldn't move. My legs were paralyzed. I watched my brother and sister just continue walking and talking, and they were not fazed at all that I was missing.  I was trying to holler for them to wait and help me, but they couldn't hear me or were ignoring me. Then I heard a man's voice behind me ask, "Is this what you really want?"  I didn’t see anyone behind me, but I understood exactly what he meant as soon as he said it. He asked again, "Is this what you really want?"  I knew he was asking if I really wanted out of this life. He was letting me know that life would go on, and I would be leaving my brother and sister to be by themselves.  I have always been there for them, caring for them, and my leaving would leave them alone. They would have to continue on their own, dealing with life and our parents on their own. I started crying and hollering, "No God, that is not what I want!  I do not want that, God!" And just as I said that, I woke up.

I wish I could say I was instantly cured, but when I woke up, I did feel like a huge weight was lifted off me. I felt I could breathe again as my chest didn't feel so heavy anymore, as it had for months, and the continuous feeling like I was going to vomit seemed to have subsided. I’m not sure what would have happened if I had said something else. I kind of don’t believe God would have just said okay and taken me had I said so. He probably would have just told me to stop being selfish.

I still felt sad for a while after this, but everything didn’t feel so dark anymore, and I felt like I could start finding joy in some things again. I realized I just had to keep moving forward, not just for me but for my siblings. Looking back, I can see that God has brought tremendous blessings from this move. It was a hard transition, but I’m very thankful for it now.